It is damn hot outside. Temperature today in the upper 90’s and dry as hell. Where is a coven of water witches doing their naked rain dances when we need them?
That is not what this about, though. Maybe later.
No, this is about failure, and the fear of it.
I hate this feeling, this feeling of uncertainty in regards to my writing. There is a persistent nagging feeling of not being worthy enough to finish the story. I think that part of the reason is that I’m having a hard time finding the groove when real life keeps interrupting. And I understand that it is supposed to – I work full time Monday through Friday, with a wonderful family and supportive husband that need me. I’m unable to sit down when the mood strikes and fully commit to the story. I’ve planned for such, which is why Synnove will not be fully released in final draft until late this year and only after I’ve let a select few rip into it with gigantic red pens and slice away at my heart…
I almost tossed Synnove into the City of Lost Scenes – a binder that I keep of all my writing, no matter if I’ve used it in a story or not. For some characters and plots it is their graveyard, for others, limbo. Synnove was going to go into the former. I’m frustrated with how sloppy my dialogue has played the last few scenes, how I find myself skipping over things because to me its all beginning to feel like a build up to the scenes I really want to write. Then I started to let the fear win, and even though that is completely my usual MO, I am indeed going to keep moving forward. Because really, what else is there?
It wasn’t until this morning after I had risen from my common morning sulking that I realized I was doing it wrong. Why not write the scenes I want..now? Stop waiting to make them dance when I already have the complete character bios; I know who they are, what they want, what they need, but take advantage of the scenes being so fresh in my head. Then go back and re-write the scenes that I was stalling.
I have also come to the conclusion that I’m just an all over happier person once I’ve been fed and have 4-5 hours to fully wake up. I’ve never been a morning person and if things start off rough, it can ruin a good part of my day. It would probably help if I went to bed a little earlier, say 10pm instead of midnight or later. One of these days I’ll figure out that my body can’t do those things anymore.
So here’s to taking care of those basic needs, like food and sleep!